I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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