i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
