I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
