My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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