I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
