if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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