you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
