i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
