he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
