Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
