Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
