She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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