I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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