Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize