No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
