Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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