I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Never underestimate the power of titties
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
