After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
