why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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