The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
