WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All the doctor said was why
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
