when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
