I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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