I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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