Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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