i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
