hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
