Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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