I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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