Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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