He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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