I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize