It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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