good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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