Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
