It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
