I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
