I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cannot find my penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you didnt know i had herpes?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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