Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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