Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
