I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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