My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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