Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize