saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
