somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
