She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize