I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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