you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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