I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this boner is exhausting
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will be naked everywhere
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
