We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
