Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize