Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
