dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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