i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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