i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
