Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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