He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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