so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
