i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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