If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
