I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
