You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
