Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
