i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
