Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
