I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
